


A Lie Gets Halfway Around the School Before the Truth Has a Chance to Get Its Pants On

by MidniteMarauder



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Christmas, Community: rs_small_gifts, First Time, Frottage, Hogwarts, Humor, M/M, MWPP Era, Potions, Romance, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-26
Updated: 2011-12-27
Packaged: 2017-10-28 05:17:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/304166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidniteMarauder/pseuds/MidniteMarauder
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus' seventh year had commenced in the ordinary fashion, if anything about his life at Hogwarts could be accurately described as 'ordinary'. But when a potions incident leaves him up the proverbial creek, things quickly take a turn for the worse—or perhaps for the better, if Sirius has any say in the matter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to my beta, whymzycal, and my proofreaders, red_squared, gryffindorj and best_of_five who made this story that much better. Love you guys! Title inspired by the esteemed Winston Churchill. Written for the 2011 rs_small_gifts fest for fullmoon_dreams's prompt: "A truth spell/potion outing either Remus or Sirius to the other"

It started out as an ordinary Thursday, or so Remus thought. Although, when two of your best friends were the biggest troublemakers in the entire school and the third tended to eagerly follow whatever the other two were doing, 'ordinary' tended to take on a rather broad definition.

Today it meant that the castle was still standing, nobody had been rushed to the hospital wing with their knackers hanging from their ears, and they managed to avoid detention when Sirius transfigured Caspian McGillicutty into a phoenix during their Human Transfiguration lesson. Sure, Caspian had spontaneously combusted and was rushed to the hospital wing, but he didn't have knackers hanging from his ears. In fact, at the moment he had neither ears nor knackers, poor sod.

"Well, then," Professor McGonagall said, glaring at Sirius as she swept the remaining ashes into a small bowl with a curt wave of her wand, "I suppose we've had enough excitement for the day. For homework, I want you all to write two feet on the inherent dangers of human transfiguration and how to avoid incidents like today." Ignoring the collective groan from the class, she continued, "Mr Black and Mr Potter, you will each write four feet, with a particular focus on how and why Gamp's Law of Transfiguration specifically cautions against attempts at human transfiguration into highly magical objects and animals."

"But Professor, I didn't—"

"I'm fairly confident you did indeed, Mr Potter. Four feet, with appropriate footnotes and indices, on my desk Monday morning. Class dismissed." She picked up the bowl of ashes and left the classroom without another word.

James scowled and turned around to glare at Remus. Sirius whispered something to James, and when James started to complain, Sirius smacked him in the shoulder. Remus quickly glanced at Peter beside him. Peter was looking at him with an expression that clearly said 'this won't end well', and Remus ducked his head, taking a sudden interest in a bright turquoise feather that had settled next to his foot. He picked it up and admired it, ignoring the chatter around him. It was perfectly proportioned with a firm, smooth rachis, and he was about to put it in his bag when it was unceremoniously plucked from his hand.

"I'll need that back, Lupin," Lily Evans said, rubbing her head behind her ear with her other hand. "Bugger. I think I've got a bald spot. I'm going to kill Potter."

Remus smiled up at her. _Oh, Prongs, why must you be such a bloody pillock?_ "Would have made a nice quill. You should keep it that colour when you put it back."

Lily wrinkled her nose. "A bit ostentatious, don't you think?"

"Nah," James said, walking over and flicking Remus on the forehead with his fingers.

"Ow." _Did I say pillock? I meant tosser._

"Hush, you big girl. You're the one should be doing this bloody essay." James turned to Lily and smiled brightly. "You were a brilliant peacock, Evans, if I do say so myself."

"Don't flatter yourself, Potter, or didn't you realise that peacocks are male birds, you arse? I swear to God, if you buggered up anything changing me back ..."

"But peahens are so dull. You—you're far too vibrant. You have 'peacock' written all over you."

Lily glared at him. "The only benefit to partnering with you is that when it was my turn, I was going to transfigure you into a flobberworm. Only now I'm going to have to rethink that, because a flobberworm is far too good for the likes of you. And you," she added, pointing as Sirius came up behind James. "What the hell did you two do to poor Caspian? And why aren't you in detention for life?"

"Quidditch match Saturday," James said, shrugging. "Besides, I didn't do anything. It was your darling Lupin here who—"

"Oh, fine. Blame Remus for your immature antics."

 _Yeah, you tell him, Lily. Even if he is right._

"But—"

"What Prongs really wanted to say," Sirius interrupted, clapping his hand over James' mouth with one hand and holding James around the middle to secure his arms with the other, "is that McGillicutty had it coming. Ever since you went to Hogsmeade with him last weekend, he's been spouting off the most intriguing—"

Sirius winced as James stomped on his foot, and Remus had to cover his own mouth with his hand to keep from laughing out loud.

"I mean horrid. Yes, horrid tales. Nasty, ugly rumours, if you ask me," Sirius said, waggling his eyebrows. "Which of course you haven't," he added, seeing Lily's expression. "Really, Evans, I'd have thought you'd have more discerning taste in men since you keep turning Prongs down. At the very least, you should consider dating someone with better grammar and penmanship, because that poem McGillicutty wrote on the wall of the fourth floor boy's toilet?" Sirius shook his head and sighed. "If one could go so far as to call it poetry. Well, I suppose 'arse' and 'farce' do rhyme, but 'bountiful' and 'mouthful'? That's pretty questionable even if he had spelt them correctly."

Lily's face grew redder and redder until Remus feared she might spontaneously combust herself. The feather was squeezed tightly in her fist, bent and dishevelled and no longer perfect, and she kept opening and closing her mouth, gaping like a fish out of water. Remus reached out and tried to free the feather from her grip, but she whirled on him and he shied back, nearly falling out of his chair.

"Did— Is he—?"

Remus nodded and tried to look solemn as Lily flung the feather aside, pulled her wand from her pocket with such force that copper sparks shot from the tip, and stomped out the door, muttering, "I'm going to rip his bollocks off and shove them so far up his ...."

The moment she was out of earshot, Remus burst out laughing and covered his face with his hands. He was laughing so hard that he didn't even mind when James smacked him in the head. He wiped his nose on his sleeve and looked at Sirius, grinning madly. "Excellent execution, Mr Padfoot. Fifty points to Gryffindor."

Sirius grinned back and winked. "Of course, Mr Moony. Did you expect anything less?"

Remus' stomach did a little flip. Having a mad crush on your best friend had its ups and downs, but at the moment, everything was up. _Maybe a little too up,_ he thought with a jolt. _Thank Merlin for loose-fitting robes._

"Oi!" James said, interrupting the moment. "You'd better write that essay for me, Lupin."

 _Go away, Prongs._ He turned to James, mustering an innocent expression. "How is it my fault McGonagall always suspects you? Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, she's right, you know. Besides, you should be glad, considering it was revenge for Lily's honour and a sight better than your idea, I might add."

"What's wrong with hanging his knackers from his ears? You thought it was funny when we did it to Rosier," James said, indignant. "And Avery. And Wilkes. And Beedles." He sighed. "Fine, your idea was more original, happy now?"

"Quite, thanks."

"Then do my essay."

"Not even if you begged, on your knees, and promised to rub my feet every night for a year."

"But four feet! C'mon, Moony! I've a match this weekend and practice all afternoon tomorrow. Even if I write really big ... It's McGonagall. She won't have any of that. That only ever worked with Binns."

Remus shook his head. "Hard luck. I've a Prefects meeting tomorrow night."

"Hello? You don't think the bloody Head Boy has to be at that meeting? I begged Evans to reschedule it, but noooo. Honestly, what's the point of being Head Boy when I'm constantly overruled by the Head Girl?"

 _Whinge, whinge, whinge. No wonder you can't pull her._

Sirius snorted. "Begged her? In your dreams, Antler Boy. You've been sucking up to her all term trying to get on her good side. How's that been working for you so far?"

"I have not been sucking up to her! I mean, it's not like she's been unreasonable or anything. And she's complimented me twice, I'll have you know."

"'You're not as big a toe-rag as I thought' is hardly a compliment."

"She said it nicely! I'm telling you, she's warming up to me."

"Like breathing on a glacier. At this rate, it'll only take a few centuries before she starts to thaw," Sirius said. "Come on, let's go."

Remus stood up and tried to grab his bag, but James put his hand on Remus' shoulder.

"Wait. Remember that time last term when I took that detention for you? You owe me."

"Owe you? You got caught red-handed because you insisted on admiring our handiwork. It's not my fault I was smart enough to run when Wormy told us Filch was coming. Don't blame me for that one."

James crossed his arms and huffed. "I still think you and Sirius should bear the punishment together for this one, seeing as you were the grand architects of the plan."

Remus twitched. _Me and Sirius. Alone together. For hours ... writing four bloody feet of essay with footnotes and indices. Bugger that!_

"It's like breaking our code of honour," James added.

"We have a code of honour?" Peter asked.

James glared at Peter. "Oh, sure, now you speak up. Why haven't you said anything until now? And why aren't you taking my side?"

Peter looked at Remus, then back to James, and over to Sirius, who seemed to find the entire exchange amusing. "You're not yelling at Padfoot, and he didn't take your side either," Peter said.

"Because I already know he's on my side. Right, Padfoot?"

Remus glanced at Sirius, and his stomach did another flip when he realised that Sirius was watching him, one side of his mouth turned up in a half-grin.

James elbowed Sirius in the stomach. "I said, right, Padfoot?"

Sirius grimaced and rubbed his stomach. "Huh, er, sure, Prongsy. Whatever you say. I'm starving. Let's go eat lunch."

"But I'm talking here! And Moony hasn't agreed to do the honourable thing yet."

Sirius threw his arm around James' shoulder and steered him towards the classroom door. "Leave Moony and his questionable honour alone. I want food."

Remus stared after them. "What do you mean my questionable honour? My honour is impeccable!" _Well, most of the time. Okay, at least half the time._ He rolled his eyes, picked up Lily's discarded feather and stuffed it into his bag, and turned to Peter. "C'mon, Wormy, let's go. We can kill them later. I'm hungry, too."

"We should take the shortcut by Whimworthy's portrait and get there first. Better not let Prongs near the food unsupervised. If I were you, I wouldn't eat anything he's even looked at, either," Peter said.

Remus sighed. _Who needs enemies?_ "Maybe I should just nick something from the kitchen and eat up in the dormitory instead."

  


"Oi, Moony," Sirius called, clapping Remus on the shoulder as he caught up to him on the way to the Quidditch pitch.

Remus whirled, startled, and sighed with relief. His nerves were completely shot.

"Tetchy little thing, aren't you? Where've you been hiding? We've barely seen you for two days, you haven't been to any meals except breakfast yesterday, and—" Sirius stopped walking and tugged Remus around by the arm to face him. "What's wrong with you? Are you ill? You're as pale as a ghost."

"M'fine," Remus said.

"And I'm the bloody Queen, mate. Moon's not until ..." Sirius paused for a moment and furrowed his brow. "Two weeks, or just about. So it's not that."

"I know when the moon is, thanks. I told you, I'm fine. Come on. We don't want to be late. Prongs'll kill us if we miss the match." _And I don't need him narked at me over anything else right now._ "Wormtail's already there."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "His Headship will keep. You look like death warmed over."

"Can always count on you to brighten my day." He shrugged Sirius' hand off his shoulder and resumed walking. _I must really be in a foul mood to do that. Oh, god, I need sleeeeeeep._

"Moony! Hey, wait up." Sirius caught up and nudged him with his shoulder. "Christ, Prongs hasn't poisoned you, has he? He'd have told me if he was planning to."

Remus narrowed his eyes. "And would you have told me if he had?"

Sirius hesitated for the briefest of moments, and Remus snorted and picked up his pace.

"Would you stop? I would too tell you! You don't think I'd let him actually poison you, do you? We're mates. Now, if he was planning to poison Snivellus ..."

Remus sighed and kept walking. He really wasn't in the mood for this right now. By suppertime after that dratted transfiguration class the entire school had been buzzing with it: "Didya hear? Potter and Black tried to off McGillicutty. Potter's on a rampage because they botched it, and it was Lupin's fault. Wouldn't want to be him right now, the unlucky son of a bitch. No wonder he's not here. Best keep out of Potter's way." By the next morning, people were surprised to see Remus was still alive when he turned up for classes.

"C'mon, Moony. We're not going to poison anyone, no matter how badly they might deserve it. Bugger the rumours. You know they're shite. Besides, Prongs has hardly even hexed anyone this year, the boring sod. Trying to look good in front of Evans and all that rot, though I have to admit, Dumbledore was a sly old bastard, making him Head Boy. That's why I need you."

This was true. Not that James had completely gone over. He just made sure not to do anything while Evans was around. They still had their constant run-ins with Snape and Rosier and that lot, but with the exception of the Welcome Feast, which was tradition, James had clearly been lying low on the mischief and mayhem front. Maybe ...

He paused beside the stairs to the Quidditch stands, one hand on the banister. "He's still being a stroppy cow about McGonagall's essay."

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Is that why you look like shite?"

Remus shrugged, and Sirius narrowed his eyes.

"When's the last time you slept, you git?"

Remus turned away and cleared his throat while muttering, "Wednesday."

Sirius poked him in the back with his finger. "Dumb arse."

"Dumb? You've lived with the same James Potter I have for more than six years. You don't think I know how he operates by now? I haven't slept in more than two days because I've been waiting for him to hex me in my sleep, and I haven't been to the Great Hall for meals because I don't want to give him the opportunity to poison my food. Happy now?" He started up the stairs.

"Noticed you took the map, too. Sounds to me like you need a guard dog. Wonder where you could find one of those."

Remus snorted and stopped mid-climb, looking over his shoulder. _If only._ "Yes, but I'd require one who wouldn't co-conspire with the intruders."

Sirius put his hand on his heart. "You wound me, Moony."

"I know you, Padfoot. Been living with you just as long. When's the last time you said no to Prongs about anything?"

Sirius gave him a long, level look. "You'd be surprised. Besides," he said, waving his hand in dismissal, "he's not actually going to kill you, you know. Probably just a wee bit of temporary maiming is all. You know his obsession with displaced bollocks. You'd think he was a bloody poof the way he goes on about that." He jogged up the stairs. "C'mon, let's go. I can hear Ramesh announcing the teams."

Remus watched him pass without replying, feeling a bit unnerved by the look Sirius had given him. He sighed deeply. _Bloody poof, indeed._ But Sirius did have a point. You should trust your mates, after all, and he did. Most of the time. He shook his head and followed Sirius up the stairs. _Guard dog. Hmph._


	2. Chapter 2

If Sirius had said something to James, Remus didn't know and wasn't about to ask. They'd both turned in their essays to McGonagall Monday morning, though Remus suspected that Sirius had done most of James' for him, since James had ended up in the hospital wing after the match.

It had been one of the dirtiest games he'd ever seen, though quite exciting for all that. They'd lost their star Keeper half hour into the match and had to replace her with the reserve, Hannigan. James had flown like a madman, and it was down to him that they'd only been trailing by nine goals after two hours.

In the end, James had used both his skill and natural charm to distract, or more accurately, deride the Slytherin beaters, Yandle and Chilcott, and had taken a Bludger to the head—he'd skilfully evaded the other one—while Knightly, the Gryffindor Seeker, who it turned out had been flying with a dislocated shoulder, had snatched the Snitch from under Yandle's pointy nose to win the match.

It was just like James to literally take one for the team. Remus, feeling both guilty and proud of his friend, had taken Sirius aside while Madam Pomfrey was tending to an unconscious James, and offered to do the essay, but Sirius had brushed him aside and told him in no unnecessary terms to get some bloody sleep.

"You know she'll keep him here overnight, so it looks like you won't require my services after all."

He'd actually felt disappointed at that but had gone back to the common room, stayed at the victory party for exactly fifteen minutes, and then retired to the dormitory where he'd slept for sixteen hours straight.

He awoke slowly, feeling groggy, befuddled, knowing only that he needed to have a piss. He tried to slide his legs over the side of the bed, but there was something big and heavy weighing them down. He groped for his wand while he tried to dislodge his legs, but the lump merely shifted, farted loudly, and yawned with a high-pitched whine before settling itself more comfortably on his thigh.

Remus waved his hand in front of his wrinkled nose, abandoning his wand search and groping instead for the curtains.

"Merlin's balls, Padfoot. What the hell have you been eating? Ugh!" He waved the curtains, urging fresh air into the small, dark, enclosed space. He heard Peter snuffling in his sleep in the bed beside him. Once he could breathe without gagging, he let the curtain fall and sat up, laying his hand on the dog's scruffy back, smiling to himself.

It wasn't as though Padfoot had never slept in his bed before, but it was only ever the nights before and after the full moon, when he was weak and sore and exhausted, and Padfoot's warm weight was both invigorating and a comfort. His hand moved without volition, and he found himself stroking the soft fur, his fingers untangling a snarl in Padfoot's ruff.

Crap, he really needed to have a piss, but he didn't want to get out of bed. Remus sighed, gave the dog a final pat, and gently extricated his legs from beneath its bulk. Padfoot raised his head, and Remus whispered, "Go back to sleep, you dumb dog. I'm just going to the loo."

Padfoot growled softly, farted again, and Remus smacked him on the nose and jumped out of bed. "Sometimes I really hate you, you smelly bastard."  


Now it was late November, the morning after the full moon, and he was in the hospital wing being tended by Madam Pomfrey. She made him drink the same vile potion she always did, and he grimaced as he handed the goblet back. He would never get used to its foul taste, but he had to admit that it worked. The acute pain in his joints eased to a dull ache almost immediately, and he sighed in relief, though he still felt uneasy. He had no clear memories from the transformation, only vague impressions, and none of those accounted for his current state

"Here," she said, handing him another goblet, this one with contents the colour of blood. Perhaps it was. He closed his eyes, tried not to breathe through his nose, and downed it as fast as he could. She took the goblet away and popped a peppermint humbug into his mouth. It didn't quite diminish the lingering aftertaste of the potions, but it helped. "I don't like the look of your shoulder. How on earth you managed to bite yourself there, I'll never know," she said, tutting and fussing as she went to work, dabbing the wounds with a thick cream.

"I'll have to bandage those. They're rather deep," she said, frowning. "I should really keep you here, but ..." She glanced over her shoulder toward the door to the main ward, which sat slightly ajar. He could have sworn she'd closed it. He blinked and settled in, trying to relax despite the stinging.

She sighed and pulled back the sheet, tsking as she took care of the scratches and bites on his legs, and after making him roll over, exclaiming once again over the cavernous puncture wound in his buttocks. After more than six years, there was no longer any sense of modesty involved, though he was glad to be facing away from her.

"You'll need to apply this every four hours," she said when she was finished, holding up a jar as she handed him a clean robe. "Stop in tomorrow before breakfast, please. I'll want to have a look at that shoulder, and your ..." Her gaze lowered briefly to his thigh area, and she looked up and met his eyes with a frown. "It's going to be uncomfortable sitting for a few days, and you may have some scarring."

"That's all right. It's not as if anyone is going to see it. Except you," he added, wincing as he rolled over and sat up, setting his legs on the floor.

She made that tsking sound again and shook her head. "I suppose that's true. Now hurry and get dressed. I want you to get some rest. Should I have a house-elf bring you some food?"

He smiled gratefully at her as he rose from the bed, careful not to put too much weight on his left side, and carefully slipped the robe over his head. "Maybe a pot of tea, but I'm not hungry just now."

"That's fine, dear. I'm sure your friends will bring you food later. I am a bit concerned about that injury to your buttocks, though. I'll want to have a look round that shack before next month to see what caused it. You are staying for the holidays, aren't you?" she asked holding out the jar.

He took the proffered jar and tucked it into his pocket. "Yes, I am. But no need for you to go out there again. I can have a look myself. You'll be far too busy, I expect, and it's really no trouble." _No trouble because the offending object likely didn't come from the shack. Where the hell did we go last night?_ He had a sudden vivid image of a herd of Centaurs and their formidable bows, and rubbed the bridge of his nose, grimacing.

"All right then. Just don't forget. Do you need more bandages?"

"No, Madam Pomfrey, thank you. I've plenty up in the dormitory."

"Will you be— Oh, Mr Black. You do have an uncanny sense of timing," she said with a wink as Sirius pushed open the door.

"It's part of my charm," Sirius said, winking back.

Remus could have sworn he saw her blush. _Oh, dear god._

"Please escort Mr Lupin back to your dormitory, if you please."

"My pleasure, Poppy, dear," Sirius said, smiling brightly at her as he slid his arm around Remus' back and under his shoulder to support him. "Let's go, you big galoot. How can someone as scrawny as you weigh so much?"

Remus rolled his eyes. _He's insufferable the way he gets away with things. Uncanny timing, indeed. He was standing outside the door under the cloak the whole time. He probably opened it so he could hear everything._

"Must you flirt with all the women?" Remus said, leaning heavily on Sirius as he limped out the door into the third floor corridor.

"Of course," Sirius replied. "It would be rude not to."

"You have a rather warped sense of propriety."

"Are you jealous? I can't help it if older women find me charming. Hey, Moony, you alright walking? You're limping pretty badly," Sirius said, biting his lip.

"Why? Are you offering to carry me?" _Merlin, why don't I just bat my damn eyelashes while I'm at it._

"I might if I knew you weren't so bloody stubborn."

Remus was too tired to argue. The pain was manageable, and having Sirius close like this was enough of a distraction.

Since it was Saturday after breakfast, they didn't have to worry about students moving to and from classes, and the Third Floor corridors were empty. Sirius led him away from the main stairs, down through the Charms corridor. The torches lining the walls sprang to life as they limped past, and they ducked through a large wooden door, though a darker, narrow corridor to a rarely-used staircase.

He glared balefully at the staircase. There was a reason it had long ago fallen into disuse; it was riddled with trick steps. They used it rather more frequently as it suited their needs—for privacy post-moon as well as for various acts of mischief over the years. It was difficult after a particularly bad moon, but Remus usually managed by shimmying up the banister in worst-case circumstances. With his current indisposition, however, there was no way he could navigate the leap of four steps in a row, and the mere thought of flinging his leg over the rail made him shudder.

"I'm not a bloody fairy tale princess," he muttered, leaning heavily on the banister and trying to banish the image of Sirius carrying him in his arms.

Sirius looked him up and down, the hint of a smile on his lips. "Clearly. What has that got to do with anything?"

"I—" Remus sighed and rubbed his forehead. "Never mind." He shifted his weight and grimaced. "Give me a minute, all right? And while we're waiting, what the devil happened last night?" he asked, lowering his voice. The landing was deserted, but the portraits loved gossip. He supposed he might too if he was forever stuck inside a frame. Not all that much else to do, was there?

Sirius opened his mouth to speak and closed it abruptly, shifting his weight. _He doesn't want to tell me. Damn, it must be bad._

"Oh, god, it was the Centaurs, wasn't it? What did I do? Did I—" he trailed off, unable to finish the sentence, feeling suddenly hollow. He gripped the banister tightly, knuckles turning even whiter if that were possible.

"You didn't do anything!" Sirius whispered in a rather harsh tone, and grabbed Remus' arm roughly. "I know what you're thinking, and you know we'd never let you do anything like that, and anyway, it wasn't your fault."

"What wasn't my fault?" Remus said, alarmed, forgetting to whisper.

"Can't this wait 'til we get back to the dorm?" Sirius asked, clearly exasperated.

He knew he should wait, but he was bone-tired, his nerves were frayed, and his arse was really starting to throb from all the movement. He set his jaw and glared. "No."

"Oh, for ..." Sirius glanced around quickly, more out of habit than necessity, Remus thought— though Sirius did glare at the portrait of the exiled Countess Theodosia, who seemed to be leaning forward in her frame—took his wand from his pocket and muttered " _Muffliato_."

"Look," Sirius said, "It wasn't anything, really. We had a grand old time as usual. We were up on the other side of the forest, by that hill with the henge. You know, the one just before the peat bog?" Remus nodded, and Sirius continued. "Had to steer you back from the bog, like always. Don't know why you're so eager to go there. It's frozen over already. Bloody Scottish winter. Anyway," Sirius rubbed his eyes, his shoulders slumping with his own fatigue—he hadn't yet slept either—and then massaged his right shoulder somewhat ruefully, "That wasn't it. It was when we got back. We were almost to the shack when some drunken bugger came staggering down the road from Hogsmeade."

"Oh, fuck," Remus said, the back of his neck prickling. His hands were clammy, and he felt his gorge rise. He swallowed thickly. "What—"

"I'm getting to that, aren't I?" Sirius said irritably. "The moon had almost set—we timed it pretty well, actually—but, not enough. You smelt him immediately, of course, and if the wind hadn't been coming from the north, you probably would have sooner, so that was lucky.

"Peter scampered off to keep an eye on the old bugger, while Prongs and I ... Well, nothing happened. We stopped you. You fought us something fierce, though, and, well ..." Sirius shrugged his shoulders. "They're a bit pointy, you know."

"Prongs poked me in the arse with his—his _prongs_?" Remus asked, incredulous.

"I don't quite know that I'd use the word 'poked'. More like impaled, really. I wrestled you down and bit your shoulder," Sirius added, and Remus narrowed his eyes. Sirius sounded a bit too pleased with himself about that.

"You should have seen it, Moony! Granted, you're never docile, but we've never had to restrain you like that before. It was exciting, really. You were a beast!"

"Of course I was a beast, you bloody idiot! I'm a werewolf, for fuck's sake!"

"Would you keep your voice down?"

"Why? Is your charmwork that shoddy?" Remus said irritably.

Sirius huffed. "Nothing happened!"

"What do you mean, nothing happened? I've got a fucking gash in my arse the size of Valles Marineris, and worse, not only did someone see us, but I nearly ate him!"

"But you didn't, did you? I told you, we'd never let you hurt anyone, and we didn't. It worked perfectly, just like we always said it would. We held you down long enough for you to change, and then we just carried you inside. After we stopped you bleeding to death, of course."

"But ..." Remus gestured helplessly, still gripping the banister with one hand. "What if he tells someone what he saw?"

Sirius waved his hand in dismissal. "He's just a local boozer, isn't he? Completely pissed even before breakfast. Nobody would believe him. But he won't tell anyone anything. Peter took care of that, too. Hard to talk about something if you can't remember it." He said this last with a pleased tone, and Remus closed his eyes briefly, shaking his head. He opened them wide when Sirius put his arm around Remus' shoulder, mindful of his injuries, and leaned close. "I'll always protect you, yeah?"

Glad the corridor was dark, Remus swallowed and took a deep breath. He should probably feel guilty, and maybe he would later, but right now the temporary adrenaline in his system was giving way to warmth that spread from his belly outward. He was sure his face was flushed, and he sagged against Sirius' side, turning his face towards Sirius' neck. "Yeah," he said softly. "Yeah, all right." _Merlin, I hope ... No, I have to trust them. Peter's really good with Charms. Oh, damn. Even after being a dog all night, Sirius still smells good. It's criminal._

"It's more like Cheddar Gorge than Valles Marineris, by the way."

Remus jerked back and raised his eyebrows. "Ogling my arse, were you?" _Not that I'd mind. Wouldn't mind if you wanted to touch it either, and for fuck's sake, Lupin, is now really the time for this? Ugh._

Sirius chuckled against his ear, and he suppressed a shiver. "It's a pretty wicked gash. I told you we had to stop you bleeding to death, didn't I? Prongs wanted to take photos, but we didn't have a camera. You might want to avoid him in the showers and lock the door while you're changing until that heals, yeah?"

Remus groaned. "Perverts, the lot of you."

"There's nothing perverted about wanting to photograph your friend's arse," Sirius said, dropping his arm and cancelling the muffling charm.

"Prongs tell you that?"

"Of course." Sirius grinned and gestured at the stairs. "All right, up you go." Before Remus could respond, Sirius pointed his wand at him. _"Wingardium Leviosa."_

Remus rose in the air and screeched, his hand still clinging to the banister. He kicked at the air and flailed with his other hand, groaning as the movement sent a stab of pain to his shoulder. "Put me down!"

"You can't manage it yourself, you stubborn arse, and I can't carry you and hop over all the steps. Let go, already, will you? I'm not going to drop you."

"Famous last words. You dropped Peter on his arse and he fell down four flights on the girl's staircase." _Well, more like he slid down. I suppose it could have been worse. He could have missed the stairs entirely._

"That was third year, Moony. Besides, I was distracted. Wait. Don't let go yet." Sirius jumped over the first set of trick steps and turned back, pointing his wand at Remus. "Okay, let go now."

Remus glared at him but complied, and Sirius floated him up the staircase. "This is so undignified," he muttered.

"At least you're not upside down," Sirius said, setting Remus down atop the landing. "Get on," he said, turning around.

"Get on what?"

"My back, your arse. I'm knackered, and at this rate, it'll take half hour to get back to the tower."

Remus wanted to protest, but seeing Sirius hunched over like that was too inviting to pass up. It was painful wrapping his legs around Sirius' waist, but he bit the inside of his cheek, and circled his arms around Sirius' neck, careful not to choke him. _Tempting, really. Well, maybe not now. I can choke him later after I've slept for a few days._ Remus yawned and leant against Sirius' back, mindful of Sirius' hands supporting his thighs. _I could get used to this,_ he thought, a sleepy smile on his face as he closed his eyes and nuzzled against Sirius' neck.

He was jarred awake by a high-pitched giggle.

"You're a naughty boy, Sirius Black," the Fat Lady said as she swung open to reveal the entrance to Gryffindor Tower.

"You love it, my Lady. Down you go, Moony. I can't carry you through," Sirius said, and Remus reluctantly slid off his back. He was a little annoyed with himself. _Finally wrapped around Sirius like a boa constrictor, and you go and fall asleep. No wonder you have no sex life to speak of, you pathetic sod._

"Flirting with portraits now, are we?" Remus asked.

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Have to keep her on our good side, don't we? Ah, Moony, that was quite the exciting journey, wouldn't you say?" he added, glancing at Remus and quirking his lip in a teasing smile.

"I don't know that exciting would be the word for it, since I was asleep for most of it," Remus said, ducking through the portrait hole and nearly losing his balance, then steadying himself on the wall.

"Oh, I'd say you were very excited. Must have been a rather uplifting dream you were having."

"Uplift—?" He froze, utterly mortified, and rested his blazing cheek against the stone wall. _Why does the floor never open up and swallow me when I actually want it to?_

Sirius laughed. "Well, at least I knew you were all right. If you were that bad off, you'd never have the horn for anything, would you?"

Trying to save his dignity, he brushed past Sirius—or tried to. So much for dignity when you have to limp away with a bright red face.

There were a lot of people in the common room sitting on the overstuffed sofas and chairs by the fire. It was a gloomy day, and he could hear the wind-driven sleet rattling the windows. Nobody wanted to be outside. A few heads lifted at their entrance, but Sirius, always the consummate actor, was prepared.

He caught up with Remus and slung his arm around once again, tutting like a mother hen. "You'd think after seven years you'd know where the trick steps were," he said rather too loudly. He turned towards a group of fourth years and grinned. "Sprained his ankle again. He's a bit cross, so you'd better stand clear. Don't want him taking house points in a temper, do we? C'mon, Moony."

 _Lovely. They already think I'm a clumsy idiot. Now I'm a bitter, clumsy idiot with a raging hard-on._

Still chuckling to himself, Sirius opened the door to the dormitory, and no sooner had Remus stepped inside when James jumped at him, camera in hand.

"Bugger off, Prongs," he muttered, limping over and collapsing face-first on his bed. Someone tugged at the bottom of his robes and he kicked out, ignoring the pain.

"Vicious thing, aren't you Moony. Come on. Just let me get once photo. For posterity." James sniggered, and Remus would have grimaced if his face wasn't smooshed into the blanket.

"I hope that wasn't an attempt at a pun. It was bloody awful." Remus tried to crawl away, but he didn't have the strength.

"Come away, Prongsy, and leave our little Moony alone. He'd had a rather hard time of it this morning."

 _Insufferable bastard!_

"Besides, it's all bandaged up."

"We can re-bandage it," James said, and Remus heard someone rummaging through his nightstand drawer. "Aha! See? They're even the self-bandaging kind."

"You know, Prongs, someone might get the wrong idea as to why you're so obsessed with Moony's arse," Sirius said amidst a soft clatter of crockery.

"You wanted a photo, too!"

"Oi! Trying to sleep here!" Peter yelled. "Moony's arse can wait till suppertime, you bloody bum bandits." There was a loud bang, and Peter yelped.

"All right, Prongs. Leave Wormy alone and go to bed. If you're a very good boy, maybe Moony will let you gawp at his bum later. He's very good at rising to the occasion."

 _I hate you all._

"Hey—" James was cut-off—Sirius likely clapped his hand over James' mouth—and he heard them whispering softly just out of hearing range.

A few moments later, he was lifted bodily and plopped down onto his pillow— _much better_ —and someone ruffled his hair. _Sirius._ The blanket was tugged out from under him and then Sirius leant down to tuck him in.

"You want some tea, Moony? It might perk you up a bit more."

"I want to die," he muttered into his pillow.

"What was that? Couldn't quite make that out," Sirius said. He plunked down on the bed and ruffled Remus' hair again. "You're fun when you're embarrassed. Go to sleep."

Remus grunted and felt him shift. Padfoot nosed him in the ear and licked him, slobbering, then sat on his head while he kneaded the blanket with his paws, and finally, with a loud dog-sigh, settled down by his side.

It had taken nearly a week to heal, but his arse was almost as good as new. He did have some scarring, but it felt all right; he wasn't in the habit of checking its appearance in the mirror. Prongs had even been slightly remorseful about the incident, which Remus took as the apology it was meant to be, though the whinging bastard did grumble a lot about his failed attempts at nude photography.

"Do you honestly think twenty years from now I'm going to regret not having a photograph of my arse? Face it, Prongs, you just wanted to admire your handiwork."

"Well, it was pretty ace. It's like a sign that says 'Prongs was here.'"

"You want people to know you were up my arse, do you?" Remus muttered.

Even more, it meant he was finally off the hook for the essay incident—eye for an eye and all that—and he breathed a sigh of relief as they headed into December and end-of-term exams.

"Must be post from my mum," James said as his owl, Excalibird, dropped a large satchel on his plate, landed on the table, and began pecking at his bacon rinds and toast. "Hallo, wee Callie-bird. What have you got for us today, then?" James used his wand to open the knots while the bird ignored him in favour of the food.

There were two small drawstring purses of coins which he tossed aside, a new wool jumper, two Quidditch magazines, four mince pies, a tin of all-weather broomstick polish, and a letter. James exclaimed over the magazine covers, then tore open the letter, grinning.

"Good news?" Sirius asked, taking a bite of sausage.

"Just Mum being Mum. Says she'll miss us, but she understands, it being our last year and all. Also said if we get caught burning down the school, she'll not bail us out of Azkaban." He turned to Remus and flicked a crust of toast at him, earning a glare from Callie who had been about to eat it herself. "Looks like you'll have company for Christmas after all."

Remus nodded, keeping his expression neutral despite the warm ember of happiness burning in the pit of his stomach. The December full moon fell on Christmas Day this year, and worse, it was the longest moon of the year at a whopping sixteen hours. He'd been dreading spending it alone, but he should have known.

Peter had been opening his own package, and Remus turned at his squeak of delight. "How's your mum?" he asked.

"Same as always," Peter said, folding the letter and putting it in his pocket. "Sends her regards." His family owl, Willoughby, chittered at him, nipped Peter's finger affectionately, and snatched a whole sausage from the platter before flying off in a flurry of wings.

Remus glanced at the contents of the package. "Potions ingredients?"

"Yeah. I ran out of salamander blood and hellebore, and I was low on most of the others. Good timing, since I'll probably need it later. Which potions you think we'll get stuck with today?"

"Dunno." _Five to one says I'll bugger it up, so it's not as if it matters._ He'd scraped an Exceeds Expectations on his O.W.L.s, and Sirius had coaxed him into continuing on for his N.E.W.T. with the rest of them. He was competent with the theory aspects, but for some reason, he was simply an abysmal potion-maker. He couldn't cook, either, but neither could Sirius, and he was very good at potions. Remus pushed aside thoughts of all the things Sirius was good at. "I've plenty of kits. Mum always sends me extra. You could have borrowed."

"S'okay. I'd need my own eventually." He lowered his voice. "Besides, we wanted my mum to get us a particular ingredient since she wouldn't question me or wonder what it was really for. Slughorn only keeps it in his private cupboard, and he counts them, so he'd know if we nicked any. Hey, Prongs," he called, holding a small, frosty looking metal box concealed in his hand. "For the you-know-what."

"Excellent, Wormy! Make sure—"

"Don't worry. They're frozen."

"Good lad."

"The you-know-what?" Remus asked.

Peter looked around and leant in close, whispering, "The Meddling Mistletoe."

Remus paled. "Ashwinder eggs? Is that what that is? If those thaw before we use them ..." He looked at the box with trepidation.

"Oh ye of little faith," Peter said, carefully bundling up his package.

"Hmmm," Remus said, pouring himself a cup of tea. _Though I suppose I'd trust him more with volatile substances than ..._ He turned his attention across the table.

Sirius, having finished his breakfast, had scooped up one of the purses and was jangling it on his palm. He stole a quick glance at James, who was busy cooing at Excalibird and skritching the feathers on her chest with his finger, and then peered inside, eyes widening. "Bloody hell, Mr Moneybags. I'd better get a damn good Christmas present this year."

"That one's yours, you git. Mum went to Gringotts for you, so my present had better be even more impressive."

Sirius grinned. "Oh, well then, you shall of course have my impressive and splendid presence at all times."

Remus choked on his tea and set down his cup, wiping his chin with the back of his hand. Peter snickered beside him, and James, who was busy retying the satchel, belatedly realised what Sirius had said. He side-eyed Sirius and then smacked him in the head. "You forgot humble, polite, and courteous."

Sirius shrugged. "So many adjectives, so little time," he said, stowing the purse in his pocket. He reached out to pet Excalibird, who was finishing up her own meal with her head half inside James' pumpkin juice. She jerked her head out of the glass and viciously pecked Sirius' finger before taking flight.

"Oi!" Sirius exclaimed, sucking on his finger, while James laughed. "She never does that."

"Good Excalibird," Remus said under his breath, echoing James, who was much less circumspect in his pronunciations.

"I guess she didn't like your pun," Peter said, lips twitching. He picked up his bag, patting it with a fiendish grin on his face, and climbed off the bench. He yawned, then patted his stomach and burped softly. "'Scuse me. I've got Divination, so I'll see you later."

 _Better hope his professor doesn't divine what's in his bag,_ Remus thought as James called out, "Later, Wormy," to his retreating back. James stretched his own arms, clasping them above his head and arching his back. "Ahhhh. I suppose we should get going as well. Not that I have anywhere to go right now."

"You could always go back to the dorm and polish your broomstick," Sirius said, rising from the bench.

Remus bit his lip and hid his face behind his teacup. _Zing!_

"Oh, yes! New polish," James exclaimed, gathering up his things. Remus looked askance; James really did love his broom. He gave them a mock salute and dashed from the hall. _Oh, Prongs. Never change. Well, perhaps five or six things wouldn't hurt._

"You ready, Moony?" Sirius asked, shaking his head and shouldering his bag. Remus finished his tea and nodded, smiling to himself. Ancient Runes was his favourite class, not so much for the subject itself, but because it was the only class he had alone with Sirius. James always got the lion's share of Sirius' attention, and Remus didn't begrudge James that— _not much, anyway_ —but he wouldn't trade those three hours each week for anything. Even better when Professor Bugge was feeling cross and assigned them hours of homework to do.

As they climbed the stairs to the fourth floor, Remus told him about Peter's acquisition. Sirius nodded and his eyes lit up, though his eyebrows furrowed after a bit. Remus couldn't blame him. From what he knew about it, there was no controlling Meddling Mistletoe once you unleashed it, so no guarantee that it wouldn't also ambush its makers. _A disaster in the making. Why do I go along with these harebrained ideas? Oh, right, because I'm a freak who lacks a backbone. Okay, so I've contributed my own ideas, but only the really good ones. I also want to bugger my best mate, so I'm fucked regardless._

"Hey, Moony," Sirius said, as they walked down the chilly stone corridor to the classroom, ignoring the students rushing by them, "I was going to stay regardless, you know."

"Hmmm?"

Sirius lowered his voice and bent closer. "Christmas. Even if Mrs Potter wanted James home, I already put my name down to stay last week."

"Oh." Remus was rather taken aback and hoped he wasn't blushing, though he could probably use the torch light as an excuse if necessary. The chill of the stone seemed to dissipate, and he turned to Sirius, smiling a bit shyly. "Erm, thanks, Padfoot." _You are a pitiful, randy coward. Can't even say thank you without stuttering._

Sirius grabbed Remus around the neck in a choke hold and tousled his hair as they walked into the classroom. "Ya big girl," he said with affection, just as Professor Bugge scolded, "Really, Mr Black! Please take your seats."


	3. Chapter 3

Christmas was in the air.

They hadn't yet put up the trees in the Great Hall, but the corridors were lined with garlands of pine and holly, the suits of armour were decked out in festive hats and the occasional ornament, and the portrait choir was in full swing, serenading all passers-by with a cacophony of badly sung carols. It wouldn't be so bad, Remus thought, if it weren't for the fact that the Squire of Bute had somehow managed to get his hands on a set of bagpipes. And even that might not be so terrible if the lot of them weren't half gone with drink, especially the Squire himself.

 _Where exactly do they get the alcohol? Does someone paint magical portraits of barmen and shopkeepers in their pubs and off licenses? Is there some hidden cupboard where they're kept? Perhaps they should paint a bank as well, because clearly those painted shops would do a thriving business. And come to think of it, where do they go to have a piss? Do portraits actually need to have a piss after they imbibe in painted food and drink? And what would happen to—?_

 _Right. You do realise you're going mad, don't you? Who wonders about this shite?_

He shook his head and left the Entry Hall, the discordant tones of "While Shepherds Watched Their Flocks" with its yowling bagpipe accompaniment fading as he and Peter descended the stairs to the dungeons, keeping an eye out for any Meddling Mistletoe. That stuff was dangerous, and he already regretted his involvement in the prank, because nothing short of a full-scale memory charm was going to relieve him of the image of Peeves snogging Rosier. With tongue.

They'd made five of the blasted things before losing the rest of the Ashwinder eggs in a conflagration that would have burnt down the Forbidden Forest had he not insisted on using fireproofing charms. Luckily, the only permanent damage had been the loss of an expensive silver cauldron, James' favourite shirt, and the collapse of the secret tunnel behind the tapestry depicting the Conflagration at Carrickfergus from the Great Leprechaun-Dwarf War of 1347. _Oh, the irony._

His steps slowed as they reached the dungeon level. Potions. Usually, he did acceptably well—meaning that he tended to only cause a spectacular explosion every fortnight or so, and he hadn't melted a cauldron since the second week of September, which might just be a record. If anything, his malfeasance had had one clear benefit: the current seventh form potion students were masterfully adept at casting powerful Shield and Vanishing Charms, to the delight of Professor Flitwick. Professor Slughorn had also been given ample opportunity to showcase his mastery of antidotes, though owing to the former, it was usually Remus alone who required them.

 _At least nobody's died_ , he thought glumly as he considered dropping the class for the four-hundred and twenty-eighth time. It was hugely embarrassing. _Though perhaps not nearly as embarrassing as that time in third year when James had vanished his—_

"Chin up, Moony," Peter said, glancing at Remus' frowning countenance. "You haven't blown anything up all month."

Remus glared at him. "Thanks ever so much, Peter. You do know what that means now, don't you?"

"That was supposed to be a compliment."

"Oh? I suppose that means you'd be willing to partner with me today, does it?" Remus snapped.

Peter cleared his throat and stared straight ahead, not meeting Remus' eye. "It wasn't that big of a compliment."

In fact no one was willing to partner with him in potions anymore—except for Lily Evans. It was clearly out of pity, but then again, she seemed to possess an obsessive determination to turn him into a master potions brewer if she had to die trying. Since she was still very much alive, she evidently wasn't trying hard enough.

He dropped his bag, pulled out his stool and plopped himself onto it, putting his head down on the work surface. Lily had already fetched their cauldrons from the storage cupboard and was carefully arranging her ingredients. She nodded to him curtly but didn't greet him as she normally did.

"I should drop this class," he muttered, dragging himself into an upright position before remembering he'd dropped his bag on the floor and leaning down to retrieve it.

"Mmm," Lily said.

He turned to look at her, frowning. "Bad day?"

She continued laying out her tillandsia diaguitensis spikes. "You could say that, yes. Or you could say it was a dreadful day when I had the misfortune of being born into the same world as James Bloody Potter."

"Oh, god. What did he do now?"

"It wasn't just him though, was it, Remus Lupin?" She turned to look at him, her eyes blazing. "Meddling Mistletoe? Are you out of your mind?"

"You didn't— I mean, it didn't—" He was interrupted by a scuffle at the door, and Sirius' voice sounding both resigned and impatient.

"Oh, for—would you snap out of it already?"

He twisted on his stool, saw Sirius pushing James into the classroom and turned back, only to jerk around in surprise. James looked like he'd just been run over by a herd of stampeding Erumpents. His robes were dishevelled and singed in places, his eyes wide and glassy, and he was stumbling. He also had the biggest, most ridiculous grin on his face, like it was the best day of his life, and he was mumbling.

"... Evans ..."

 _Bloody hell. She's going to kill me. Only ..._ He watched Sirius manhandle James into his seat with a look of disgust on his face. _He really does look happy, doesn't he? I'll never be that happy. Oh, cry more, you craven clot! And stop stalling. You'll have to face her eventually, won't you?_

He took a deep breath and turned back to face Lily. She was now glaring at James, and not for the first time, he thought, _If looks could kill ...._ He licked his lips and tried for humour. "It could have been worse, right? I mean, it could have been Rosier. Or Peeves. Merlin, even if I live to two hundred, I'm going to die with that image in my mind, aren't I?"

He saw her lips twitch—always a good sign. "C'mon, Lily. Was it that bad? I mean, look at him. He could single-handedly win the World Cup for England and he'd still never look that happy. Ecstatic, even. Euphoric. Over the moon. Rapturous."

"Yes, thank you, I know what happy means." She turned a gimlet eye on him, but her lip was still twitching.

He tilted his head and widened his eyes, a slight pout on his lips as he'd seen Sirius do every time he tried to convince Remus to do something he knew he shouldn't. After what felt like hours, but was really only a few seconds, her expression crumpled and she exhaled in a loud huff.

"Oh, all right. God, he really does look pitiful, doesn't he?" She shook her head. "He's really like that because of one stupid kiss with me?"

"You've no idea."

She exhaled sharply and turned back to her ingredient sorting. He breathed a sigh of relief and began unpacking his own potions kit as Professor Slughorn entered the classroom.

"Oh, ho!" he said, seeming even jollier than usual. "Meddling Mistletoe, is it? Quite impressive potion-making, if I do say so myself. In fact, I haven't seen such a vibrant batch since my own student days." He winked at Sirius and James—the latter of whom was still swooning, and Remus could have sworn there were sparkling red hearts vacillating from his pupils.

Professor Slughorn rubbed his hands together in anticipation. "Right then, today, of course, we'll continue with our review. You're all doing splendidly so far, though Mr Higgins, your Everlasting Elixir could do with a bit more lasting. Next time try using a fresh rat spleen, if you would."

Professor Slughorn waved his wand, and the various assignments appeared on the blackboard. "Here are your assignments for today. Ms Evans, Mr Snape, please see me."

Remus shrugged and took out his potions book while Lily went up to Slughorn's desk. It wasn't that he didn't care, more that to him, all potions were the same: an accident waiting to happen.

Lily returned, sucked in her breath sharply, and looked at him with a gleam in her eye. "You'll never believe it! We pulled Veritaserum," she said, excitement evident in her voice.

"What? You're kidding, right?" Remus swallowed. They were supposed to be revising. They'd never made Veritaserum before. Veritaserum and Amortentia, along with several other controversial and highly dangerous potions, were generally restricted by the ministry for apprentice work only, though he knew the potions master had the authority to ignore these restrictions if he believed a student was both talented and trustworthy enough not to misuse such potions.

He took a shaky breath. "Snape, too?"

She nodded, frowning slightly for a moment before her grin returned.

Remus shuddered. _I'll give him talented, but trustworthy? Is Slughorn out of his mind? Though he hasn't told anyone about me, has he? It's been nearly two years, and I haven't been expelled nor sent to Azkaban. And if anything, he does take his potions seriously, though not as seriously as Dark Arts. Defence my arse._

"Remus, are you okay? You look a bit ... peaked."

"Lily, I'm pants at this. You know I'm not good enough to make this by myself."

"Of course you are. You can both name and explain the properties of practically every ingredient in Professor Slughorn's cupboard. You recognise most of them by sight or smell. You scored well on your O.W.L.: it's just that you lack confidence in yourself. I know you can do this, and do it well. I've seen you."

He exhaled slowly. "Veritaserum, Lily."

She bit her lip and then brightened. "Tell you what. We'll make this one together, all right? But you can't just sit back and let me do all the work because you're nervous. I'll handle the runespoor eggs, okay?"

He exhaled upward into his fringe. "Yes, all right." He sneaked a glance over his shoulder at Sirius and James, and turned back to find Lily standing with her hands on her hips.

"Oh, no you don't, Lupin," she said, narrowing her eyes.

"What?"

"You're not filching any of it when we're done."

"Oh. You're joking, right? You think I want them anywhere near a truth potion?" he asked, incredulous.

She raised her eyebrows and sighed. "Fine. But I'm going to account for every drop, do you hear me?"

"Yes, ma'am," he said, putting on his dragonhide gloves and opening his book to the proper page while Lily went to fetch the ingredients not included in their personal potion kits.

 _She really thinks I'd ..._ Granted, it wasn't as though they hadn't already tried to make it themselves once, but two of the ingredients were only available with proper ministry approval or via the black market. Obtaining illegal ingredients from the black market was dodgy at best. The dealer might tell you he was selling you runespoor eggs, until you tried to use them and discovered they likely came from a garden snake and were merely charmed. You couldn't trust anyone at the Hogshead, not even to give you the proper time of day.

Lily returned, and he helped her sort the ingredients they'd need.

"I'm out of valerian root," Remus said, searching through his kit.

"Damn, I'm out, too," she said, holding up an empty packet with little more than crumbs inside. "I'll go see if Professor Slughorn will—"

"Oh, wait. I do have some," Remus said, finding a packet mixed in among the peppermint and porcupine quills. He opened the bag and sniffed them, wrinkling his nose. He took them out of the bag and sniffed them again. "They're all right. For a minute I thought they'd gone mouldy or something, but they smell all right."

"Good. Now we just need aconite, two pinches it says, and lacewing flies..."

Remus drew back at the mention of aconite. It wouldn't harm him unless he inhaled or ingested it, and even then it wouldn't do much more than give him a temporary bout of nausea in such small quantities, but it still made his skin itch if he touched it.

They set to work, and Remus was careful to focus his full attention on the process, ignoring Sirius' rude remarks to James, though it did make him smile when he called him a blithering, fanny-whipped, pathetic excuse for a wizard.

Lily added the runespoor eggs and stirred four times clockwise, two anticlockwise, and repeated it three times. She looked up at him and he nodded, carefully pouring out three ounces of tentacula venom and adding it to the brew. She stirred again, anticlockwise, and he waved his wand, uttering a binding spell. They adjusted the flame and set the timer for twenty-five minutes, breathing a sigh of relief and smiling at each other.

They set about cleaning up the table, and Lily took the tray of discarded ingredients to the bin, stopping to have a chat with one of her friends.

 _Haven't mucked up anything yet. Yet being the operative word, of course. Oh, shut up, Lupin. All you have to do is let it simmer for another twenty-five minutes, then let it sit covered for two days while it matures, reheat and strain it. How hard can that possibly be?_

He sat down on his stool and stood up again, peering into the cauldron. It was an even more sickly green than it had been ten minutes ago. It would eventually thin and become transparent, only it looked as if it had thickened instead. It smelled ghastly, and he backed away from the fumes. Something gurgled, and he turned, frowning. It shouldn't be hot enough to boil, and in fact, it wasn't supposed to boil at all, yet there were clearly bubbles rising to the surface.

"Lily," he called, his voice apprehensive. He groped for his wand but it had rolled out of his reach, and he couldn't make himself take his eyes off the potion. _I didn't bugger this one up, dammit._

"Just leave it alone, Remus," she said, pausing in her conversation with Ingrid to spare him a glance. "It's still got fifteen minutes—"

Vast quantities of thick steam were rising from the cauldron.

"—Oh, my god, what did you do?" Lily shrieked, and before she could take even a step in his direction, the potion exploded, dousing him with mucky green slime. _Buggered doesn't even begin to cover it. Even my eyeballs itch. Don't move, just don't move._

He didn't have to look, even if it were possible at the moment. He knew the rest of the class, having been alerted by Lily's panicked shout—more notice than they usually had—were all standing with their wands out. He could hear the sounds of a dozen shield charms buzzing as they mingled with each other.

At least I haven't killed anyone, he thought, right before he fainted.


	4. Chapter 4

He was frozen solid; everything was cold and dark, but there was an annoying buzzing in his ears. He tried to lift his hand to swat at whatever was making the noise, but his arm was numb and felt as if it were made of stone. Frozen stone. _Is it possible to freeze stone?_ No matter. He'd just lie here for a while and relax. Only, the surface his body was lying on was hard. And cold. Like a stone slab.

Was he was one of those tombs with the stone effigy carved on the top? _Bloody stone carvers. Couldn't have used a cushioning charm? Was that too much to ask for?_ considering he was going to spend eternity lying on this bloody slab.

The buzzing grew louder and deeper. _An insect repelling charm would have been nice, too! Amateurs!_

The ground started to shake. _Earthquake? What next, a flood?_

"Moony!"

"Remus!"

"Mr Lupin."

"C'mon, Moony, wake up."

"Wait," a female voice said. "I think he just moved his arm."

Remus imagined he wrinkled his brow.

"Here. I brought some cold water and—"

"He moved! I saw it! I—"

A cascade of cold water splashed onto his face, and he sat up abruptly, gasping. "That's it! I demand a refund!"

"Oh, thank Merlin you're alive," Lily said as someone rubbed a flannel in his face.

He blinked and batted at the flannel. His arms still felt heavy and numb, but they weren't stone any longer. Nor was he an effigy. Then he remembered where he was.

"Ger'off me, I can't breathe." That wasn't exactly a lie either. He was finding it difficult, and his skin itched something awful. He liked it much better when he'd been stone.

The flannel vanished and he opened his eyes, and then quickly shut them again. Opened them again slowly, blinking at the light and the sight of two anxious faces—one red-haired, one black—about three inches from his nose. They looked like twin Cyclops, and he closed his eyes again, feeling dizzy. "Do you mind?" he said with obvious effort, and tried to lie back down, but hands on his back caught him and kept him sitting upright.

"Easy does it, Moony. Merlin, you look bloody awful, but that was a spectacular explosion. Best one since last spring—no, wait, last winter, when we did antidotes. But nothing beats the Forgetfulness Potion from first year."

Peter.

 _I'm going to kill him. This is all his fault!_ "Had to go and mention it, didn't you," he said through clenched teeth, then taking a big gasping breath from the effort of speaking. "You didn't blow anything up all month," he said when he'd managed to get enough air, trying to mimic Peter's earlier speech, but barely managing a feeble wheeze. _I can't die before I kill him._

"Step back, Mr Pettigrew, if you please. Here, Lupin, my lad. Drink this up, there you go," Slughorn said, pressing a goblet to his lips and tilting it back, forcing Remus to swallow, though plenty dripped down his chin and onto his robes. Good thing it was a large goblet.

He started to feel better almost immediately as the potion hit his throat. The itching subsided and his larynx cleared. He took great gulps of air, choking and spluttering, trying not to gag. It was a good thing he was used to foul-tasting potions.

"That's better," Slughorn said, and Remus would have rolled his eyes if he wasn't doubled over choking to death. "Just stay right here. One more goblet for you, my boy, and you'll be right as rain."

 _What the hell does that even mean? Since when is rain 'right'? How does he know it's not wrong? Or left? And where would I go?_

"How do you feel, Moony?" Sirius asked.

Still choking, he glared up at Sirius. He meant to say "Fine" but instead said, "F—for fuck's sake," before collapsing into another coughing fit.

"Mr Black, what did I say about asking him any questions?" Slughorn said, returning with the second goblet. This one was smoking, and Remus eyed it with foreboding as his coughing eased into hiccups.

"All right, then? As the Muggles like to say, second one's the charm," and he pressed the goblet to Remus' lips so that Remus had no time to ponder how many Muggles Slughorn had been hanging about chatting with.

It was like drinking liquid fire, and he thought his tongue might just dissolve. He kept drinking until the goblet was empty, and surprisingly, his mouth, throat and stomach seemed to be in one piece as well as functional. The fire raced throughout his body, however, and he wouldn't have been surprised to see flames shoot from his fingers and toes. Just as quickly as it had come, it was gone, his fingers and toes tingling in the aftermath. It left him feeling lightheaded and dizzy, and vaguely nauseated, and he closed his eyes, swaying.

"Easy there," Sirius' voice came beside his right ear, and a steady hand held him up. "Better?"

"A bit, yeah. _I feel like I'm drunk. Bugger that, I wish I was drunk right now._ "

"And it's not even noon, yet. You're quite the marvel," Sirius said.

" _Oh, right. As if. Face it, Lupin, you're just a pathetic failure of a sod who talks to himself too much._ "

"Well, yes, Moony, we know that, but we still kind of like you anyway," Sirius said, and Remus glared up at him.

"What are you talking about? I didn't say anything."

"Yes you did," James said, squatting on his other side. "I heard you. You said you talk to yourself too much. Do you really? Does it help?"

He glared at James, pressing his lips together. " _I see you've snapped out of your lovesick stupor, have you? God, I hope I never look that pitiful in public._ "

"Hey! I did not look pitiful!" James said, glaring back.

"I never said you did," Remus said. " _I only thought it, but I'm not stupid enough to say that to your face, am I? Well, more like not brave enough because you'd probably kick seven shades of shit out of me._ "

"You got that right, you little gobshite! I oughta—"

"Don't you dare, Potter!" Lily said, and yanked him back before he could punch Remus. Caught off-balance, James toppled over onto his arse amidst snickers and laughter from the rest of the class, who were all gathered round, but at a distance.

"Thanks, Lily," Remus said, smiling weakly as he pinched the bridge of his nose. " _Great, I need a girl to rescue me. Almost as pitiful as Prongs._ " He sighed loudly and tried to get to his feet, but Lily grabbed his arm.

"And what's that supposed to mean?" she asked, eyes narrowing. "If you'd rather, I'll just let Potter punch you in the face next time, shall I?"

Remus frowned. "What are you talking about?"

"Oh, dear," Professor Slughorn said, pushing his way into their midst. "That's an interesting development." He frowned at Remus, his moustache twitching, and Remus tried not to laugh.

" _Merlin, he really does look like a walrus, doesn't he?_ "

"Oh, ho, Mr Lupin, aren't you clever." He turned to the rest of the class. "Back to your stations and clean up. I imagine most of your potions are spoiled, what with all the excitement. Salvage what you can and we'll just do them over next class, shall we?" He frowned again. "Mr Black, if you'd help Mr Lupin up, I'd like you bring him to my desk—Mr Potter and Mr Pettigrew, he'll be fine. I think," he added, as they moved toward Remus as well. "Ms Evans, I'd like you to come, too. The rest of you, as I said, please return to your seats. Thank you."

Sirius was looking at him with the strangest expression. Expressions, really, because they kept changing every few seconds: one minute glee, the next worry, and the next wonder, all cycling so fast it was making Remus even more dizzy.

"Would you just pick one already?" he said irritably as Sirius lifted him to his feet.

"That depends on what I'm choosing between," Sirius replied, getting his shoulder under Remus'. "This is familiar, isn't it?"

"Shut up. _Unless you're choosing me. Right. Like that'd ever happen._ " He sighed. " _He's always warm. I wish he'd move his hand a bit lower though. Ooh. Right there's good._ "

"Er, Moony? How much of that potion did you swallow?"

"How am I supposed to know? I was unconscious. _And despite the cold and lack of basic amenities, it was a lot more pleasant than here right now. Well, okay maybe not. Sirius is a lot nicer than a slab of stone, and he doesn't even need a Cushioning Charm._ "

"Mr Black, if you could refrain from speaking to Mr Lupin for just a moment, and Mr Lupin? I'd like you to sit down here in my chair and do try to keep your mind blank."

" _It's always blank. Blank, blank, blank. No grass growing here._ " He sat down in Slughorn's chair. " _Ouch. You'd think a professor's chair would be more comfortable, wouldn't you?_ "

Slughorn sighed, Sirius laughed, and Lily stared at him with wide eyes.

"What's wrong with him?" she asked, gripping the Professor's arm. "I can hear his voice, but his lips aren't moving. I thought you gave him the antidote. Shouldn't it have worked by now?"

"Well, yes," Professor Slughorn said. "If it was Veritaserum that he swallowed, he would be back to normal by now with no lingering effects. Even before it has time to maturate, it can still be potent, even for a short period." He furrowed his eyebrows. "I thought perhaps it was the aconite that gave him the rash, so I dosed him at the first with a mild dittany-based antidote. Didn't want him to stop breathing, you know."

" _Of course. Fascinating. Please do go on._ "

They all looked at him sharply, and Slughorn sighed. "Just ignore anything he says for the moment, please."

"Ignore what?" Remus said, narrowing his eyes. "Me? I didn't say anything."

"Yes, you did—"

"Mr Black, please."

"Yes, Professor."

"As I was saying, I dosed him with a dittany antidote, which as you can see, cleared up the rash immediately. However, I'm beginning to suspect it wasn't caused by the aconite."

" _We didn't use much, only two pinches, and Lily put it in so I didn't even have to touch it undiluted._ "

Lily wrinkled her nose. "He's right, but why would aconite cause a rash like that? I didn't think it possessed those properties."

Sirius clapped his hand over Remus' mouth. "He's really, really allergic!" Sirius shouted at the same time Remus thought, " _Yoo-Hoo. Werewolf here._ "

"You're what?" Lily asked. "I couldn't hear you. And for Merlin's sake, Black, you don't have to shout at me when I'm standing two feet away from you. What is wrong with you?"

" _We haven't got that kind of time, but I'm sure I could make an annotated list of the relevant things._ "

Lily furrowed her brow and glanced at Remus, Sirius' hand still covering his mouth. "Why is he doing that? It sounds a bit weird, doesn't it? Kind of tinny."

"M'nt dngnythng! _Have they all gone mad? I don't hear anything._ "

Sirius slowly removed his hand, but kept his eye on Remus. "More like an echo. It's different from his speaking voice. So what caused it then?" he asked.

"Frankly, I'm at a loss." Slughorn looked at Lily. "You followed the instructions exactly, I'm presuming." Lily nodded, and Slughorn scratched his head. "As I said, I thought it was aconite, all things considered, but frankly his presentation was more consistent with nettle rash. Ms Evans, did you by any chance have any nettles lying around that could have found their way into the potion?"

Lily shook her head. "Of course not."

"Mr Lupin?"

"No. I'm all out of anyway, plant and juice. _And really, I know I'm pants at brewing potions, but I'm not that much of an idiot. I know what nettles look like._ "

"We made the potion together, Professor," Lily said. "There were no nettles or nettle juice anywhere near it. I would have noticed."

"Well, then. The plot thickens. It's really quite fascinating. I don't think I've ever seen anything quite like it."

"So it's not a Veritaserum overdose then?" Sirius asked.

"Certainly not. The problem is, I don't know if it was the potion itself or something in one of the antidotes I gave him that caused this. Mr Lupin, do you have any other allergies that I'm not aware of?

Remus shook his head. " _Wonderful. A mystery illness. At least it's not the bloody Veritaserum. Then I'd be really buggered. Imagine being forced to tell the truth in front of everybody._ "

"Ah, yes, as I was saying." Slughorn leant on his desk, lowering his voice. "Dittany itself is benign and used to cure a large number of afflictions, as you know. It would not, even in combination with other powerful compounds, account for Mr Lupin's present, ah, condition."

" _Might be nice if someone bothered to explain this condition to me. I'm a bit dizzy, and those potions aren't sitting well in my stomach, but they're acting like I'm dying._ "

"Patience, Mr Lupin. You're not dying," Slughorn said. "I don't think. Now, if we take the volatility of the runespoor eggs into account..." He scratched his chin thoughtfully. "No, it shouldn't, well, it could—Oho! We rarely use nettles or nettle juice in tandem with tentacula venom, because the nettle juice has a rather adverse affect on them, and when you mix aconite, nettle juice, tentacula venom and—"

"A Babbling Beverage!" Lily exclaimed then frowned, looking at Remus. "But he's not—I mean, he is a bit, but not anything like the usual effects of a Babbling Beverage." Her eyes widened. "But with the snapdragon berries in the unrefined Veritaserum ... they don't like nettle juice, either ..."

"Exactly, Ms Evans. Excellent work as always. I always said you were my star pupil."

Lily blushed and Remus rolled his eyes. " _Well done, well done and all that rot. Am I the only one paying attention here? Let's put aside the fact that I swallowed an unknown quantity of truth potion along with some dodgy antidote, along with the fact that I would rather not die in a dungeon ... Did we not establish that there were no bloody nettles in any of the potions? A little less fawning and a little more deduction based on facts would be nice. Besides, I am clearly not babbling._ "

Sirius stifled a laugh and patted Remus on the head. "This is fun. Can we keep him like this?"

"Keep me how? _Depends where you're going to keep me._ "

Sirius laughed outright.

"Mr Black, please. Mr Lupin does have a point."

" _Of course I have a point. But wait a minute. How would you know that I had a point? I haven't said anything._ " He narrowed his eyes and stared back and forth between the three of them. "Someone had better tell me what's going on right now."

"It would appear that some random ingredients between your botched Veritaserum and the two antidotes I gave you upon your revival have interacted in a way that has shown some interesting effects," Slughorn said delicately.

"And what exactly do you mean by interesting effects? Have I been poisoned?"

"Not exactly poisoned, no, Mr Lupin, though it could potentially be, ah, shall we say a bit unfortunate, if we don't discover the source of it. Though it is possible that it will wear off on its own given time. None of the ingredients by themselves are toxic, after all. At least not in the dosages in which they were used, including the aconite."

He stared at Slughorn, bewildered. "Come again? _If someone doesn't tell me in simple sentences of words of no more than two syllables long what the bleeding hell is wrong with me, I'm going to pull a Prongs and hang their knackers from their ears._ "

"We can hear what you're thinking, Moony. It's brilliant!"

"You can what?" Remus said, startled. " _I knew I should have dropped this stupid class. Hear my thoughts? As in what I'm thinking now? This very minute?_ "

James and Peter walked over just then carrying Remus and Sirius' bags. "Is that what that is? We can hear his thoughts?" James asked. "Brilliant!"

"It is _not_ brilliant! Are you insane? _Oh my god, what have I been thinking about for the last fifteen minutes? James is a prat? Well, yes they know that. This is all Peter's fault for jinxing me? No, that's not terrible. Sirius is—Merlin do_ not _think about that, for fuck's sake. You'll be in so much trouble! Professor Slughorn. He's safe. Think about ... oh bugger, I was thinking he looks like a walrus, wasn't I? I'm just going to go curl up in the corner now._ "

"Maybe we should get him to Madam Pomfrey," Lily said, looking concerned despite the pronounced twitching of her lips.

" _Lily Evans, I can't believe you're laughing at me, even after I promised I'd never tell Prongs you thought he was clever and that sometimes you actually think he's almost good-looking if he weren't such an insufferable toerag._ "

"Remus Lupin!" Lily shrieked and turned to James. "I never said that! Never! And if I did, I was clearly drunk, so don't you even think—"

"You think I'm clever and handsome?"

" _I love how he ignores the insufferable toerag part._ "

"If everyone would please quiet down," Professor Slughorn said in a booming voice. "Yes, yes, that's much better. Mr Lupin, I want you to think about ... nettles. Maybe you can remember something. Perhaps something inadvertent happened while you were brewing. The more I think about it, I'm convinced you initially suffered a nettle rash, so we must try to discover how nettles—or nettle juice, which is much more potent, of course—found its way into your system."

" _Nettle juice smells foul. I hate nettles. I certainly wouldn't drink it on purpose, and I told you we didn't put any in our potion._ "

James tore his gaze away from Lily, the blood draining from his face. "Nettle juice?" he asked, his voice strained.

"Yes, Mr Potter. Is something wrong?"

"Ah, well, no, not exactly," James said, squirming. "Well, maybe. What happened?"

Sirius gasped and bit his lip, failing spectacularly to hide his grin. "Prongs, you didn't!"

"Erm, well." James turned to Lily. "Did you, ah, by chance happen to use any valerian root in this potion?"

Lily looked back and forth between Sirius and James. "Yes. Five roots thinly sliced, why?"

"I meant to take it back ages ago," James said. "I would have, but I completely forgot, I mean, I—"

"What he's trying to say is that he soaked a bunch of valerian root in nettle juice and salamander blood and slipped it in Remus' potions kit," Sirius said, shaking his head. "I told you not to do it, you git."

"Nettle juice _and_ salamander blood?" Slughorn said, his eyes wide. "Oh, dear, that's not good, not good at all."

"Why would you do that?" Lily shouted, rounding on James with her fists clenched.

"I— He— It's not—" James sighed and looked down at his feet, tapping his toe on the ground. "It was just a bit of harmless revenge. Sorry, Moony," he said meekly, glancing up at Lily under his fringe.

Remus had been staring open-mouthed at James, his mind completely blank until James mentioned revenge.

"You're not serious! This was about that bloody essay? McGonagall's essay?"

"I said I was sorry," James said, raising his head and looking at Lily.

"You're sorry? _If you were sorry, you'd be apologising to me and not Lily, you arse!_ "

"He got you there, Prongs," Sirius said.

"So wait," Peter said. "Prongs poisoned Moony?"

" _Yeah, because spearing me in the arse wasn't good enough for you?_ "

"What?" Lily yelled, and smacked James in the head. "Was that why he was limping for a week last month? What the hell kind of friends are you?"

"Wait, Lily, you got it all wrong."

" _No she doesn't. Nice one, Lily._ "

"Hush, you," James said, shaking his finger at Remus. He turned to Lily. "I didn't spear him in the arse—well, okay, I sort of did, but it's not what you think, and why is it your business anyway? I didn't do anything to you! And Remus knows it wasn't on purpose and I did it for his own good."

"For his own good?" Lily said, her face red and her eyes flashing. "How could that possibly be for his own good? What the bloody hell is wrong with you, James Potter?"

Remus couldn't help himself. He grinned. " _They're rather entertaining, fighting over me like this. I wonder if they'll start snogging._ "

"You shut up!" James and Lily said at the same time, glaring at him.

They were interrupted by a loud bang. Professor Slughorn stood there with his wand in the air, mopping his forehead with a handkerchief. "Mr Potter, Ms Evans, please. You're Head Boy and Girl after all." He gestured behind them, and they all turned to see the entire class gaping at them with looks of horror and amusement.

Lily lowered her fists and took several deep breaths. "Yes, I'm sorry, Professor. I didn't mean to ... yes." She gave all of them a piercing look then turned on her heel and stormed off. Ingrid looked at Remus and his friends for a long moment and then ran after Lily, handing over Lily's bag as they exited the classroom.

"Well, that looks like a good idea," Remus said, standing up and swaying on his feet. Sirius caught him before he fell and held him up as James and Peter both lunged to assist despite the desk being in the way.

"I've got him, Professor. So now we know what's caused it, is there an antidote?"

Slughorn tapped his chin and pursed his lips, thinking. "Nettle and salamander blood-infused valerian root, runespoor eggs, tentacula venom and aconite. And clearly we must consider the foxglove and aldrovanda pollen in the antidote I gave him, among others. Fascinating combination. A bit frightening, really. Yes, I do suppose I could try to whip something up." He brightened suddenly and rubbed his hands together. "This could prove to be quite the challenge, indeed! And even better, if I could manage to concoct the exact potion that caused these effects ..." He cleared his throat. "All in the pursuit of knowledge, you understand. Mr Potter, how long did you soak the roots for?"

"Er, a few hours, I suppose."

"Hmmm, that's lucky, then. If you'd soaked them overnight, then we might have a problem."

" _Lucky me. Prongs is an incompetent poisoner._ "

"It might take a couple of days, but don't you worry, Mr Lupin. We'll have you on your feet again in no time."

"Er, thanks. _There he goes again. How is a couple of days no time? Not to mention I'm already on my feet because my feet are not the bloody problem, are they? Oh, god, they can hear all of this, can't they? I'm going to lock myself in a cupboard for a week. The house-elves can bring me food, and at least they won't mock me into the next millennium._ "

"I'm sure they won't do that, Mr Lupin. Now if you don't mind, I'll just grab a quick blood sample from you and you can be off." He took a small vial from his pocket and tapped Remus' arm with his wand. "There we go. Just a pinch."

Slughorn put his hand to Remus' forehead. "No fever. Have you any chills? A burning sensation anywhere unusual? No? Nor do you look as though you feel like your skin is crawling with doxies. Always a good sign, I say! With a little luck, this will wear off on its own in a day or two and you won't even need another antidote, but if you should begin to feel any other adverse effects, like sudden memory loss, or should you find yourself suddenly unconscious, please go see Madam Pomfrey immediately."

"Yes, I'll do that. _I'm going to die, aren't I? Doxies? Ugh!_ " He shuddered.

"You okay, Moony?" Sirius asked, walking him around the front of the desk toward the door.

"Not really, no. _What kind of question is that? Gosh, Padfoot, I feel just fine. Who wouldn't feel fine having ingested a dangerous, buggered-up potion with unknown side effects thanks to his best friend who tried to bloody poison him? If I don't die outright, which is rather preferable at the moment, more so than potentially blurting out to the entire school that I'm a w—_ "

"Wanker!" Sirius, James, and Peter all shouted at once, Sirius clapping his hand firmly over Remus' mouth, despite its futility. Sirius exhaled loudly and plastered a grin on his face. "Aww, Moony, I can see how you wouldn't want anyone to know such a terrible secret. 'Course, we knew right away, didn't we, Prongs?"

Sirius turned and looked at Snape, who was glaring at them, his lip curling in disgust. "Of course, you'll never be as big a wanker as Snivellus, so don't you worry your pretty head about that."

" _Snape really is an ugly git, isn't he?_ "

"Yes, he is, Moony. Don't look at him. I don't want you hurling all over Prongs' new trainers," Sirius said, patting Remus' shoulder as they exited the classroom.

"You're wearing my new shoes? Mum just sent them yesterday!"

"And very comfortable they are, too, you should tell her."

"I haven't even worn them yet."

"Well, now I've broken them in for you, haven't I?"

" _Do they share pants, too?_ "

"I think we'd better get him upstairs to the dorm," Peter said quietly as they made their way up the stairs to the Entrance Hall, ignoring the snickers and stares from their classmates.

" _Oh, you think?_ "

"I'll take him, Wormy. You and Prongs have to go on to Transfiguration or else Minerva is going to put us all in detention until N.E.W.T.s. This way you can tell her what happened."

" _Yeah, I hope she gives you a ten foot essay to write!_ "

"Now, now, Moony," Sirius said, grinning. "Go," he said to James and Peter.

"How come we have to miss out on all the fun?" James said, tilting his head and looking at Remus. "Who knew our Moony was such a bastard on the inside. I kind of like it. He called ol' Sluggy a walrus right to his face!"

" _Jealous, are you? I'd get that grin off my face if I were you, considering Evans will likely never snog you again after today._ "

"You know," James said, narrowing his eyes, "maybe I'm not so fond of Moony's insides after all."

"Give him a break. This is your fault, you know," Sirius said.

"How many potions has he exploded over the years? I do this _one time_ , and I didn't even mean—" James looked at Sirius and sighed. "Right, right. We're going. Come on, Wormy."

Peter patted Remus' arm and trotted off after James.


	5. Chapter 5

"Can I kill him later?" Remus asked, as James, Peter in tow, disappeared up the stairs. "Or maybe not kill. If you hold him down I'll just maim him a little bit, and I promise I won't bite him."

Sirius laughed and looked at him. "You actually said that yourself that time. When you think things aloud, it does sound different."

"Does it?"

"Yeah. It's not as loud, so we can always yell over you if you say anything, er, problematic."

Remus covered his eyes with his hand. "Oh, god, I've nearly exposed myself twice already. I don't even realise I'm doing it, either. Maybe you should just leave me and go to Transfiguration with Prongs and Wormy. _Because if I start talking about you without realising it, I'm leaving school and entering a monastery._ "

"You're not leaving school and I am not leaving you on your own like this. Don't worry. If you start to say anything bad, I'll stop you, all right? I promise."

Remus looked at him sceptically but nodded. They made their way up the main staircase. The corridors were empty, thankfully, and Remus was desperately trying to refrain from talking to himself and keep his mind blank. It wasn't working very well.

He sighed. "I'm so buggered. Not just James. I mean this potion thing. It was really complicated, but we did everything right and I still bollocksed it up. I'm cursed, Padfoot."

"It's more like a spell than a curse."

Remus rolled his eyes. "You know what I mean. _He always does that. Make jokes. Okay, sometimes they're funny, but right now this is anything but funny. I should have had Slughorn take me back because having him this close to me when I could blurt anything out without realising it is really starting to—_

_"Stop it, Lupin. Think of anything else, think of ... apples. Apples are good. Red and juicy, sometimes green and tart, and you love the way they crunch when he bites into one with those pointy eye teeth and his red lips ... and okay, maybe not apples then. Come on, Lupin, think of something safe ... safe, what's safe? Transfiguration, which is where you should be, if it wasn't for James, that prat. McGonagall is not going to be pleased. McGonagall, she's safe. Right, think about McGonagall._

_"Okay, what about McGonagall then? Anything that doesn't make you think of snogging Sirius, which is stupid because Transfiguration's his best subject, though he's good in just about everything, isn't he, though I'm a bit better at Runes than he is, and we're about even in Defence, and you're supposed to be thinking of McGonagall, but it's hard because all I can see is her yelling at Sirius, but that was such a brilliant prank, I knew he could— Right. McGonagall. McGonagall. McGonagall, does she wear tartan knickers, do you think?_ "

Beside him, Sirius started laughing. He stopped walking and dragged Remus over to the wall, leant his back against it, and bent over in half, holding his stomach.

"What the hell is so fun—?" All the blood drained from Remus' face. "You said you'd stop me if I said anything bad! You promised! _God damn it, where is that bloody trap door? Why did I spend so much time worrying over potions when I could have learnt how to do that spell instead? It must be written down in a book somewhere. I need one that leads to a monastery._ "

"I— You—" Sirius' face was red and his eyes were tearing as he looked up at Remus before doubling over again. "Oh, Merlin, I'm sorry, Moony. But—" He sniffed and wiped his sleeve across his eyes as he stood up. "Do you really think like this all the time?" His expression changed suddenly to one of alarm, and he grabbed Remus' wrist. "Oh, shit. Come on!" he said and took off running, dragging Remus along.

"Wait! Do you want me to be sick? Padfoot, I—"

"Here," Sirius said as they turned a sharp corner, Remus nearly careening into the wall, and pulled out his wand. _"Dissendium,"_ he said, skidding to a stop beside the statue of the humpbacked witch, her secret passage gaping open but partially obstructed by a gaudy looking scarf. Sirius pushed Remus inside head first and dived in after him, the scarf covering Remus' face so he couldn't see a thing. He heard the entrance hole shut behind them as they slid down the ramp in the dark, landing at the bottom in a crumpled heap on the dirt floor.

"What—?" Remus asked, tugging the scarf from his face, rolling over and rubbing the top of his head. " _Ow._ "

"The Meddling Mistletoe. Two of them were coming right for us."

"Oh. Good thinking," Remus said, lying on his back and looking up into the darkness. It was bloody cold in the tunnel and he shivered. " _Of course he didn't want to kiss you, you idiot. He's Sirius Black, not a bloody poofter. He was laughing at you, too. When's the last time you saw him laugh like that anyway? A year if not more. Well, at least you're good for something._ " He sighed. "I'm sorry, Padfoot. You probably think I'm some perverted lecher now. I didn't ... I mean, I—

" _Shit. Now he knows you fancy him. And you still can't even say it out loud. This is it. The end of everything. It was nice having friends for a little while, at least._ "

_"Lumos."_

Remus closed his eyes against the sudden glare from Sirius' wand.

"You really are daft, aren't you? You're good for a lot of things."

"Such as? _Besides embarrassing myself._ "

He felt something tickle his cheek and he opened his eyes. Sirius' hair was hanging down and brushing against Remus, his face dangerously close, eyes dark and solemn. He sucked in his breath. "What are you doing? _Too close, he's too close. If I just lifted my head up a couple inches ... You can't. Oh, why does he have to be so bloody gorgeous?_ "

"This," Sirius said softly, and he leant down and kissed Remus on his lips.

" _Oh my god. I'm kissing Sirius Black. I must have hit my head harder than I thought._ "

Sirius drew back and climbed on top of Remus, straddling him and laying his wand on the ground above their heads. "Are we going to snog, or are you going to think at me?"

"Both?"

"Right. That's it. No more talking. No more thinking either."

"But—"

He was cut off by Sirius' lips pressing hard against his. He opened his mouth to ask Sirius if he really knew what he was doing, and Sirius, taking full advantage, slipped his tongue inside Remus' mouth. " _Well, okay then. I guess he does. Ohhh, he really does._ "

"Moony," Sirius mumbled into his mouth, and Remus closed his eyes, kissing him back, thinking of nothing but Sirius' lips, and Sirius' tongue, and Sirius' hand, gentle against his cheek. He reached up and wrapped his arms around Sirius' back.

" _I'm dreaming and I never, ever want to wake up._ "

"I'm going to have to Petrify you, aren't I?"

"I'd still be conscious. I can't help it. How am I supposed to not think when you're sitting on top of me and snogging me? Come to think of it, why are you snogging me, exactly?"

"Didn't you want me to?"

" _Well, of course I did, you nitwit, but I didn't think you wanted to._ Er, you just heard that, didn't you."

Sirius laughed and tweaked Remus' nose. He sighed softly. "Well, I did. Didn't know you wanted to until today."

"Oh." Remus swallowed audibly. "Why'd you run from the mistletoe then?"

Sirius ducked his head and looked away.

Remus frowned. "What? Did I say something embarrassing again?"

"No. I just. Well, one of the reasons I was so eager to make it when James ... I thought ... Well, I'd planned, actually ..."

"Planned what?"

Sirius narrowed his eyes. "Now you're just being annoying. You know damn well what I was going to say."

"I can't hear your thoughts, you know. _It's not exactly fair, either._ "

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Are you always this slow?"

"Apparently," Remus said. "I— You're not taking the piss are you? Because of this potion thing?"

"I know I can be a bit of a bastard—"

" _A bit?_ "

"Shut it, you," Sirius said, squeezing Remus' cheeks together and smooshing his lips.

"Okay, okay," he said, grabbing Sirius' wrist. "It's not my fault though."

Sirius ran his finger across Remus' bottom lip. "You've a wicked mind, Moony. I like that."

" _Wait till you find out just how wicked._ " Remus lifted his head and bit Sirius' finger gently, and Sirius grinned. "But you still didn't tell me why we ran from the mistletoe just now."

Sirius huffed. "Because after you so eloquently confessed, I decided I didn't want our first kiss to be coerced, all right?"

Remus grinned. "Sirius Black, the closet romantic. I never would have guessed."

"I'm not the only one who was in a bloody closet."

"Touché," Remus said softly, tracing Sirius' wrist with his finger. "You gonna kiss me again?"

"You going to stop think-talking this time?

"Maybe."

"Maybe I should try a silencing charm," Sirius said, leaning down and kissing him again.

"Mmmm." Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius' back, pressing him against his chest. He smiled and thought of Sirius' lips, licking across them and sliding his tongue in Sirius' mouth.

Sirius made some indeterminate noise in the back of his throat, and Remus responded in kind, exploring every corner of Sirius' mouth that he could find.

" _Mmmm. He's a really good kisser. I hope he doesn't think I'm pants at it. And he's got the softest lips, too. Mine are always so chapped, especially in winter. How does he get them that soft? Is it a spell? Or—_ Oh, god, who says this kind of shite?" Remus said, breaking the kiss. "Stop laughing!"

Sirius was shaking, his forehead resting against Remus' chest. "Can't help it, Moony. Merlin, you're killing me. I can't decide if I want to brain James or give him a big wet kiss for this potion accident."

"You kiss him, I'll brain him."

"You wouldn't be jealous?" Sirius asked, lifting his head.

"As long as you keep your tongue to yourself. _With James. Definitely not with me._ "

Sirius grinned. "What do you want me to do with my tongue then?"

" _Don't even think it. He'll think you're a bloody pervert!_ "

"I already know you're a pervert," He inched his way up Remus' body, dragging his pelvis against Remus' hard prick.

Remus made a strangled noise in his throat. "Oh, god! _Don't stop!_ "

"Like that, do you? Mmmm." He licked his way up Remus' throat, over his chin and up to his lips. "I never knew it would be this entertaining snogging you."

"Entertaining, is it? So when this wears off, you're suggesting I'll be dull, is that it?"

Sirius grinned. "Not if you promise to tell me how soft my lips are at least once a day."

Remus narrowed his eyes. "I'm never snogging you again."

"Liar."

"Am not. _McGonagall's tartan knickers, McGonagall's tartan knickers._ "

Sirius shifted and dragged his hard cock against Remus'.

"Oh, fuck."

"I thought you'd never ask," Sirius said, covering Remus' mouth with his own, and sliding his tongue inside.

It wasn't too difficult to keep from thinking because the only thing on his mind was Sirius. It was the strangest thing, as though he was watching them kiss, but from the inside. Feeling and seeing at the same time, lips and tongues entangled, the barest scrape of teeth, soft moans, and more lips and tongue. At first he was afraid to move simply because he wanted this moment to last as long as possible. Then Sirius shifted again and Remus' mind went blank.

On instinct, Remus raised his arms and wrapped them around Sirius' back, one hand in Sirius' hair at the back of his neck, the other stretching down his lower back desperate to press him down even harder against his cock. He tried to bend his legs, but his robes were caught under Sirius' weight.

" _Get them off. I need to move. Off, now!_ " Clearly Sirius agreed, because he raised his body and was trying to pull Remus' robes up one-handed. Remus wasted no time in scrabbling at the back of Sirius' robes and rucking them up over his hips as he lifted his own hips off the ground. He didn't care about the dirt floor or anything else; only Sirius and his cock which was ... inside his pants.

" _Bugger. Pants. Off, dammit. Where's my wand so I can just bloody Vanish them both?_ "

Sirius sat up and Remus reached for him. "Don't—"

"I can't take 'em off while I'm straddling you," Sirius said, his voice just as breathless as Remus'. "They're not that elastic. And I don't trust either of us to Vanish anything right now. Give us a second."

" _That's five. Get back here,_ " he thought, though he too was busy kicking at his own pants, bending his left leg and peeling them off. "Aha!" He didn't bother with the right leg.

Sirius—already pantsless—was trying to lift his robes over his head, but Remus was far too impatient. He grabbed Sirius by the front of his robes and pulled him down on top of him, and Sirius had to grab onto Remus' shoulders so he wouldn't fall.

"Merlin's balls, Moony, are you trying to kill me?"

"Less about Merlin's bollocks, more about mine. Mmmmph—"

More snogging, messier this time, but Remus didn't care. In fact, it all felt rather brilliant. " _Unggggh! Oh, please. Please don't stop_ "

He tilted his hips and thrust hard up against Sirius, his heels digging in to the dirt floor, his fingers clenched in Sirius' bunched-up robes. Sirius was on his knees, straddling him, thrusting back, though not just thrusting. His hips moved in a circle, and he dragged his lips away from Remus' mouth to his neck. He scraped his teeth against the thin skin and bit down at the juncture of neck and shoulder. Then there was more tongue and lips and sucking, and Remus groaned, trying to mimic Sirius' circular motion with his hips, plucking at his robes until his hands touched the warm, bare skin of Sirius' arse.

" _I can't, oh, god, I can't. Mmmm, harder, harder, ah, fuck, yes, I ... ohh._ " He knew Sirius could hear him, but he couldn't help it and wouldn't have stopped even if he could. There were no words to describe how it felt and he couldn't think beyond the prickling radiating from his lower spine. Sirius' cock was so hard and it was pressed alongside his, sliding, rubbing.

" _Oh god, Padfoot, more, please ..._ "

He felt sweat beading on his chest beneath his robes and he strained his hips, bucking hard, but Sirius met him, rutting hard and sucking on his neck ...

" _C—come—coming. Oh, god._ " He gave one last thrust upward and arched his back, gasping as his body just pulsed, his fingers pressing into Sirius' back. He felt lighter than air and heavier than water, both at the same time, languid and fluid.

Sirius lifted himself up, grasping Remus by the shoulders and thrusting at a furious pace, his head hung, hair wet with sweat as it fell against Remus' chin. His voice was rough and sounded like a sob when he said, "Fuck, Moony."

" _Yes, yes. Don't stop. You have to come now._ "

Remus, elbow bent, helped brace Sirius under his arms, holding him up with hands flat against his chest, urgency at the breathlessness of Sirius' voice spurring him on, forcing him to move, hips circling, sliding, their cocks wet and slick. It was dizzying, and he felt as though he was moving in slow motion, as though his body wasn't his own. Sirius threw his head back and arched, coming with a groan that sent shivers up Remus' spine. He could feel it against his stomach, warm and wet, and he wished Sirius was lying flat atop him so he could wrap his legs around him and never let go.

Sirius lowered himself on shaking arms, collapsing at the last with a huff of breath. "Next time," he said against Remus' chest.

Remus' arms fell back against the dirt floor, bent at his sides in a 'V'. Not even Fiendfyre could get him to move right now. "Next time what?"

"You can wrap your legs around me."

Remus sucked in his breath. "Oh, god, did I say that out loud, too?"

"You said a lot of things out loud."

"Oh, god."

"You said that a lot, too."

"Oh, god!"

"Found religion, have you? I liked it. You're a very naughty boy, Moony. Nasty old thoughts running through that head of yours. Made it really hard not to come first."

"Was it a competition, then? _I don't know if I should be mortified or pleased by that. Way to go, Lupin. You just shagged Sirius Black. You can die now. Well, maybe not just yet. Can't die before he sucks you off, can you? You've only imagined it half a hundred times._ "

He felt Sirius chuckling against him, and the heat rose to his face. He twitched the fingers of his right hand but couldn't muster the energy to smack himself in the head like he wanted to. He closed his eyes and grimaced.

"Make me stop. I didn't mean it."

"Not a chance," Sirius said, his right arm inching beneath Remus' robe and coming to rest against his nipple. He rubbed his finger over it and Remus' whole body twitched.

"S—Sirius!" He opened his eyes wide. His legs were like icicles now that they'd stopped moving, but he couldn't quite bring himself to care with Sirius' warm body weighing the rest of him down.

"Like that, do you? Mmm, good. I'll have to remember that." Sirius lifted his head, resting his chin on his other hand. "Think at me some more, Moony. What else do you want to do with me, eh?"

" _Everything._ "

"Everything?" Sirius said, and Remus could hear the amusement in his voice. "Such as?"

"Where'd your wand get off to?" Remus said, groping above his head. "I'm going to stun myself."

  
  


James jerked up from where he'd been rummaging in Remus' trunk as they lumbered into the dormitory.

"Where the hell have you been? And where's the map? Peter just went to check if you'd gone to the hospital wing." He motioned to Remus' bed where a tray of food was set.

Sirius opened his mouth, but before he could speak, Remus' echoing mind-voice said, " _For fuck's sake, Lupin, don't tell him you've been shagging! Ooh. Food! I'm definitely peckish._ ".

"What? Shagging?" James said, turning and narrowing his eyes at Sirius. "And here I was worried that he was actually ill! You let him out to shag some bird?"

" _Worried my arse. He was afraid you were going to tell Lily about that time in the Prefect's bath when he was hiding under the cloak. Maybe you should tell him you were shagging Lily just to see his face. Mmmm! Steak and kidney pie! My favourite!_ "

"That's it. _Silencio!_ "

Sirius shook his head and rubbed his lip, failing to hide his grin.

" _Prongs is such a tosser._ " Remus took a bite of pie and smacked his lips, closing his eyes and swallowing. " _Mmmmm, delicious. He thinks he's the only one allowed to take the piss. Just you wait. One day I'll get you but good. Only he can hear this just fine, so I don't have to wait. See how you like it, antler boy. Think you can Silence me, do you?_ " He swallowed another mouthful and scooped up some more, then turned to Sirius, smiling sweetly, and thought really loudly, " _Want some, Padfoot? It's delicious._ "

Remus held his fork out to Sirius, glancing at James over his shoulder with a look of triumph. James stared back, gaping.

Sirius barked out a laugh and opened his mouth, slowly closing his lips over the tines. He chewed and swallowed and winked at Remus. He took out his wand and murmured, " _Finite Incantatum_. It's futile, Prongs. And anyway, Moony's already tried it on himself."

"Can't we ask Dumbledore if he knows any useful spells?" James asked, desperate.

" _Yes, because I'd want to see Dumbledore right now so I can fail at not thinking about everything we've ever done under his nose, including your little animagus project. That would go over well. We'd all be expelled. Much better to stay here and eat steak and kidney pie and shag Sirius some more for afters._ "

"My kind of plan," Sirius said.

James narrowed his eyes. "Wait a minute. Where were you really?"

"Shagging, like Moony said."

"Quit taking the piss, would you? And if silencing charms don't work, can't we just try a gagging charm or something? And why have you got dirt all over your robes? Jesus Christ, you weren't really shagging, were you?"

Remus ate another bite, chewing slowly and deliberately not looking at James. " _Oh, no. He doesn't sound very accepting. You didn't plan this out very well, did you. What if he's not all right with this? What if he hates you and thinks you're a bloody pervert who corrupted his best friend? Should have thought of a cover story. Should have—_ "

"Relax, Moony," Sirius said, taking Remus' chin and turning him to face him. "He knows already. Well, about me at least. Has for a while now." He looked past Remus' shoulder at James. "And we're not charming anything over Moony's mouth because I like his mouth and all the wicked things he knows how to do with it. Besides, it wouldn't work, either, and you're a daft bugger who doesn't listen," Sirius said, plucking the fork from Remus' fingers and scooping up an extra large forkful of pie and shovelling it into his mouth. "Mmmm, good," he said swallowing. "Anything else?"

" _Yes, I've something else you can put in your mouth and swallow._ "

"See?" Sirius said. "Brilliant, isn't he?"

"Merlin's balls on a broomstick. Moony's bent as a bottle of chips, too? Christ, I need a drink."

Remus turned around and glared at James. "And what's that supposed to mean? Give us back our fork, Padfoot. _So I can shove it up Prongs' nose._ "

Sirius swallowed hastily and scrambled to his knees, keeping the fork away from Remus' questing hands. "Don't be hasty. Moony. He needs his nose." He turned to James and smirked. "Moony here's been secretly gagging for me all term. Likes my cock quite a lot, if you know what I mean. Couldn't get enough of it. Not that I blame him. It is rather spectacular."

Remus sat up on his knees, reaching for the fork as Sirius tried desperately to keep it away from him. " _Is that how he wants to play it? Maybe you should tell James about how you went twice in the passageway and then again in the sixth floor broom cupboard because Padfoot couldn't keep from groping_ your _cock for five bloody minutes._ "

"Ugh! Stop it, the both of you! I don't care what you get up to, but for fuck's sake, I don't need to hear anything about your—your— Bugger me! No, wait. Don't. Shit! I don't even want to say it. I don't want to think about it!"

"Your arse is safe from me," Sirius said. "Can't speak for ol' Moony here, though. He's a fiend."

The door opened and Peter hurried in, out of breath. "Are they back, then?" he asked, and Remus glanced up from mauling Sirius to see Peter bending over with his hands on his knees. "Pomfrey. Said she'll"—he took a deep breath—"send up dreamless sleep potion for you later, Moony."

"Why couldn't she have sent it now? But there's a thought. Come on, Peter," James said, grabbing Peter by the arm and dragging him toward the open door.

"Where—?" Peter wheezed. "I ran all the way back—"

"I'm going to the library. You're going to see Slughorn," James said. "And you're not leaving until he finds an antidote."

Sirius snorted, still playing keep-away with Remus. "Library? You feeling a sudden urge to revise, or did you want to chat up Madame Pince?"

"Give me my fork back," Remus said, pouncing on Sirius' head.

"Now, now, Moony, violence never did anyone any good. I can feed you. Oi! Careful! You'll topple the tray."

Remus paused mid-grasp. " _Food ... Violence. Padfoot feeding me ... Me shoving the fork up Prongs' nose. Well, that's a stumper._ "

"The sooner you eat, the sooner you can get to afters," Sirius said, taking the opportunity of Remus' uncertainty to reposition himself.

Remus looked down at Sirius' crotch, then back up to his face, a wicked grin spreading on his own. " _Maybe you should skip supper and just go straight for—no, wait. Best give him some time. Probably can't get it up again just yet._ "

"Hey!" Sirius said. "I can go again right now. Want me to prove it?"

"Er, not while we have company," Remus said, blushing. " _God, what is wrong with you? One bloody orgasm and you turn into a raging pervert. Well, all right, it was three orgasms, and they were brilliant, but that's still no excuse for losing all semblance of self-respect!_ "

Peter turned to James, completely bewildered. "Do I want to know?"

"Probably not."

" _Well, are they leaving or what? Hope they—Well, I'll be damned, he really wasn't kidding, was he?_ "

"Let's go, Wormy. Now, before I kill them both," James said, shaking his head and striding purposely for the door with Peter in tow.

"Hey, why are you going to the library, anyway?" Sirius called out.

" _Don't stop them. Hmm. I wonder what Prongs would say if I took off Padfoot's robe right now._ "

James paused in the doorway, a pained look on his face. "Research," he said, glaring at them both. "If Slughorn hasn't found the antidote yet, I'm going to find some kind of spell that works if I have to invent one myself."

James slammed the door, and Sirius turned to Remus. "That went well. I think Prongs is happy for us."

" _Prongs is lucky I couldn't get the fork back._ "

Sirius shook his head, smiling. "I wouldn't worry too much about him, if I were you. He's just jealous 'cause he's got nobody to polish his broomstick for him. And Evans will kill him long before you do," Sirius said, pushing the tray aside and crooking his finger at Remus.

"She was pretty angry at him over the potion," Remus said. " _Hello, number four. Christ, you'll be lucky if your cock doesn't fall off before morning._ "

Sirius grinned even wider. "Well, yes, but that's not why."

"Why then?"

"We used a strand of Evans' hair when we made one of the mistletoe."

Remus stopped and stared at Sirius. "You mean ... But how could you be sure she'd think of him first? What if she thinks about snogging someone else?"

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Of course she'll think of him first and all of the nasty ways she wants to hex him. She'd know we made it."

"Hex him? She'll rip his bollocks off. And then kill him. _And then you won't have to listen to his annoying whinging, and you can have Padfoot all to yourself ... Oh, bugger. Now he'll think you're some kind of possessive git._ "

"Moony," Sirius said, grasping the hem of Remus' robes and pulling it over his head. "Stop thinking about Prongs and start thinking more about my cock again, would you? I liked those thoughts."

Remus shivered. " _Right, because he thinks you've stopped thinking about it for more than thirty seconds at a time in the last year and a half._ "

"Year and a half? Moony!"

"I never—" Remus closed his eyes rubbed his temples. " _Wait! Prongs! I'm sorry! Come back! I'll let you stun me! Maybe you can invent a brain freezing charm! Or a temporary obliviation spell!_ "

Sirius dived on top of Remus, pinning him to the bed. "Nuh-uh. I think I may have to hide that sleeping potion later."

"Oh, no you don't. I will not let you eavesdrop on my dreams. Even I don't remember them. _Well, except for that really good one where—_ Oh, no, no, no, no! I am not going to tell you about my dreams."

"I bet I can make you," Sirius said, ducking his head and sucking Remus' left nipple into his mouth.

Remus made a sort of strangled sound that turned into an embarrassingly loud moan. "You're an evil bastard, Black."

"You're not going to try and pretend like you didn't know that, are you?" He moved to the right one.

" _Ahhh! Why couldn't I have fancied a nice bloke?_ "

"I can be nice."

"You are not nice! _Well, he is sometimes. And that did feel nice just now. And now that you've got a good look, his cock is rather nice as well. Would feel even nicer if I just—_ " He squirmed beneath Sirius. " _Ah, right there._ "

"Mmmm ... Moony, Moony, Moony. What am I going to do with you?" Sirius said, licking a slow trail up Remus' chest and across his neck to just below his left ear.

" _I can give you a list._ "

Sirius lifted his head and grinned. "Naughty boy, you. I'd best make sure to check it twice."

  
  



End file.
